Embracing Average

You're not special.

You're not unique.

You're not exceptional.

Let me explain. 

I read an absolutely stellar article recently discussing the cultural pressure to constantly be, "great," while labeling, "mediocrity," as a failure.

An excerpt from the article states:

"We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. But the fact is, most of us are pretty average at most things we do. Even if you’re truly exceptional at one thing , chances are you’re pretty average or below average at most other things. That’s just the nature of life. To become truly great at something, you have to dedicate time and energy to it. We’re all, for the most part, pretty average people. It’s the extremes that get all of the publicity. We all kind of intuitively know this, but we rarely think and/or talk about it. The vast majority of us will never be truly exceptional at, well, anything. And that’s OK. "

If you've fallen victim to the, "mindless scroll," on social media, you might be guilty of comparing yourself to a complete stranger who seemingly has it all, or feeling inferior to a perfectly curated feed filled with lavish vacations, romance, and perfectly posed children. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a good aesthetic, but I'm aware that what an individual chooses to post is one single, "moment" in-between many other moments in a day. The underlying issue goes beyond social media and boils down to the insecurities we all have to be more and do more with the fear of not measuring up.

A few months back a friend approached me with a personal issue she was battling regarding feeling "less than" compared to the other girls in her social circle. She explained that a guy she had an interest in, seemingly gave her friend more attention than her, and stated her claim that it must be because this individual was, "more beautiful," than her. Your initial response if you've ever found yourself in a similar situation with a friend would be to deny, deny, deny. I've witnessed many, "ride or die," friends fail to use honesty as a tool to motivate their discouraged comrade, and instead indulge in the, "butter up," method while degrading their fellow female in the process. Making harsh accusations, and unadulterated judgements about another's character or physicality to build up their confidante, abandoning an opportunity for genuine criticism and unconditional love. This doesn't mean your friend may not very well be, "pretty," or an overall, "great catch," but flattery is a flimsy foundation for friendship, making way for instant brokenness instead of long-term stability.

So you may (may not) be curious about my response to my friend's predicament. Well, let me first say that I went through many years of my life being a"fluffer"in friendships, mostly because I loathe confrontation and the thought of making my friends upset by my purest thoughts just seemed a bit too heavy. More importantly, my female friendships were disintegrating left and right, because they faltered on "safety" rather than "substance". In this instance, and many others however I chose honesty, and hoped my advice would provide her clarity in a clouded state. 

My response was simple:

"Comparison is solely based off of our own assumptions, and the truth is we all excel in different things, whilst struggling with many others. If you ever feel like your competing with another girl for a guy's attention, then he's not the right guy for you. A guy that likes you will show you respect, and it will be obvious."

(out of respect for my friend, I'll refrain from sharing further exchanges)

"A true friend stabs you in the front. "

-Oscar Wilde

Even though this specific situation was regarding the complicated world of dating, the act of comparison can weasel it's way into any area of our lives, and create division within our social, professional, and personal circles.  Furthermore, comparison is our brains attempt at figuring out where we "fit in", and how we "measure up" to others. There are two forms of comparison: upward and downward. Upward comparison is when you compare yourself to someone you deem as "better off", and Downward comparison is then obviously when you compare yourself to those you deem "worse off". When we have too much of one or the either, we submit ourselves to toxic thinking, and rid ourselves from a healthy perspective, with either poor self-esteem, or the inability to feel empathy. 

To put it bluntly, 

there's a very good chance you're not going to be the best looking, smartest, most athletic, best dressed, funniest, or most charismatic person in the room, and you should be okay with that! I know I know, (I can anticipate the eye rolls as I type this) easier said than done, but if it seems impossible to except your mediocre self, you surely won't have the ambition to excel in the areas you aspire to improve. As with any facet of self-concept it starts and ends with positive perception. 

 Self-concept is made up of four components: 

Identity

Body Image

Self-esteem

Role performance

Now imagine having genuine confidence in each area and what effect that would have in your life. It's not a matter of never being fearful, or having doubts, but gaining a healthy perspective to overcome the feelings of I'm not good enough and replace it with I have potential to grow.  If we accept the most basic parts of ourselves, we can better find where our strengths can strengthen rather than struggle to succeed in our weaknesses.

For example, in school I suffered greatly with studying for tests, and even test taking. I would spend all hours of the night overwhelming my brain with information just to sit down and forget everything as soon as my pen touched the paper. I've never been "book smart" or an analytical thinker, and it definitely hindered me throughout my education; it was NOT my strength. Before dropping out of college, I remember feeling so stupid, and doubting my abilities to be a writer altogether. I didn't have high enough scores to get into the journalism program which is why I chose that specific university in the first place.  After not writing for years following, I picked it back up slowly after having kids and quickly realized how much I still thoroughly enjoyed it, writing blog posts here and there, and receiving positive feedback. I knew I could still embrace my passion for writing and share it with the world without fear of bad test scores to hold me back. It was no longer about the social expectation and pressure of a college degree, but something I could realistically obtain. I no longer felt inferior to the parts of me that were average, but found solace in the most simple parts of myself, and using my strengths as a tool to push me forward and refine me into a confident, secure human. 

We often get confused with the difference between strengths and talent, setting ourselves up for discouragement when we dream of being someone or doing things that are just simply not in the cards for us. Growing up I admired the flawless dance moves of Michael Jackson, the effortless vocals of Alicia Keys, or the powerhouse athleticism of Michael Jordan; all three radiating with natural talent within their craft. As spectators we look at the "greatest of the greats" and doubt our own abilities, not taken into account their personal journeys to get where they are, and how hard they worked to get to that one "moment" in their career. I would say these people are lucky to have found their strengths and honed in on them at an early age, spending hours upon hours exercising those creative muscles and perfecting their abilities. Most of us as a society want instant success instead of building on our personal strengths over time, yearning to be as good as someone else instead of becoming the best version of ourselves.

All of this to say, It would be ignorant of me to tell you to stop allowing pristine social media feeds, fit bodies, and the successes of others to intimidate and discourage you; if you're not secure with who you are, these things will always be toxic to your mental health. Instead, I would urge you to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses, question your intentions, and change your perspective. When you begin to appreciate all of the average parts of yourself, you can then move forward to excel in the extraordinary parts of yourself. Gaining genuine confidence and self-worth is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. We succeed not by some societal spectrum, but by the freedom of embracing our true selves, flaws and all.

you're so much more than what you think.

love you.

xoxo