Embracing Average

You're not special.

You're not unique.

You're not exceptional.

Let me explain. 

I read an absolutely stellar article recently discussing the cultural pressure to constantly be, "great," while labeling, "mediocrity," as a failure.

An excerpt from the article states:

"We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. But the fact is, most of us are pretty average at most things we do. Even if you’re truly exceptional at one thing , chances are you’re pretty average or below average at most other things. That’s just the nature of life. To become truly great at something, you have to dedicate time and energy to it. We’re all, for the most part, pretty average people. It’s the extremes that get all of the publicity. We all kind of intuitively know this, but we rarely think and/or talk about it. The vast majority of us will never be truly exceptional at, well, anything. And that’s OK. "

If you've fallen victim to the, "mindless scroll," on social media, you might be guilty of comparing yourself to a complete stranger who seemingly has it all, or feeling inferior to a perfectly curated feed filled with lavish vacations, romance, and perfectly posed children. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a good aesthetic, but I'm aware that what an individual chooses to post is one single, "moment" in-between many other moments in a day. The underlying issue goes beyond social media and boils down to the insecurities we all have to be more and do more with the fear of not measuring up.

A few months back a friend approached me with a personal issue she was battling regarding feeling "less than" compared to the other girls in her social circle. She explained that a guy she had an interest in, seemingly gave her friend more attention than her, and stated her claim that it must be because this individual was, "more beautiful," than her. Your initial response if you've ever found yourself in a similar situation with a friend would be to deny, deny, deny. I've witnessed many, "ride or die," friends fail to use honesty as a tool to motivate their discouraged comrade, and instead indulge in the, "butter up," method while degrading their fellow female in the process. Making harsh accusations, and unadulterated judgements about another's character or physicality to build up their confidante, abandoning an opportunity for genuine criticism and unconditional love. This doesn't mean your friend may not very well be, "pretty," or an overall, "great catch," but flattery is a flimsy foundation for friendship, making way for instant brokenness instead of long-term stability.

So you may (may not) be curious about my response to my friend's predicament. Well, let me first say that I went through many years of my life being a"fluffer"in friendships, mostly because I loathe confrontation and the thought of making my friends upset by my purest thoughts just seemed a bit too heavy. More importantly, my female friendships were disintegrating left and right, because they faltered on "safety" rather than "substance". In this instance, and many others however I chose honesty, and hoped my advice would provide her clarity in a clouded state. 

My response was simple:

"Comparison is solely based off of our own assumptions, and the truth is we all excel in different things, whilst struggling with many others. If you ever feel like your competing with another girl for a guy's attention, then he's not the right guy for you. A guy that likes you will show you respect, and it will be obvious."

(out of respect for my friend, I'll refrain from sharing further exchanges)

"A true friend stabs you in the front. "

-Oscar Wilde

Even though this specific situation was regarding the complicated world of dating, the act of comparison can weasel it's way into any area of our lives, and create division within our social, professional, and personal circles.  Furthermore, comparison is our brains attempt at figuring out where we "fit in", and how we "measure up" to others. There are two forms of comparison: upward and downward. Upward comparison is when you compare yourself to someone you deem as "better off", and Downward comparison is then obviously when you compare yourself to those you deem "worse off". When we have too much of one or the either, we submit ourselves to toxic thinking, and rid ourselves from a healthy perspective, with either poor self-esteem, or the inability to feel empathy. 

To put it bluntly, 

there's a very good chance you're not going to be the best looking, smartest, most athletic, best dressed, funniest, or most charismatic person in the room, and you should be okay with that! I know I know, (I can anticipate the eye rolls as I type this) easier said than done, but if it seems impossible to except your mediocre self, you surely won't have the ambition to excel in the areas you aspire to improve. As with any facet of self-concept it starts and ends with positive perception. 

 Self-concept is made up of four components: 

Identity

Body Image

Self-esteem

Role performance

Now imagine having genuine confidence in each area and what effect that would have in your life. It's not a matter of never being fearful, or having doubts, but gaining a healthy perspective to overcome the feelings of I'm not good enough and replace it with I have potential to grow.  If we accept the most basic parts of ourselves, we can better find where our strengths can strengthen rather than struggle to succeed in our weaknesses.

For example, in school I suffered greatly with studying for tests, and even test taking. I would spend all hours of the night overwhelming my brain with information just to sit down and forget everything as soon as my pen touched the paper. I've never been "book smart" or an analytical thinker, and it definitely hindered me throughout my education; it was NOT my strength. Before dropping out of college, I remember feeling so stupid, and doubting my abilities to be a writer altogether. I didn't have high enough scores to get into the journalism program which is why I chose that specific university in the first place.  After not writing for years following, I picked it back up slowly after having kids and quickly realized how much I still thoroughly enjoyed it, writing blog posts here and there, and receiving positive feedback. I knew I could still embrace my passion for writing and share it with the world without fear of bad test scores to hold me back. It was no longer about the social expectation and pressure of a college degree, but something I could realistically obtain. I no longer felt inferior to the parts of me that were average, but found solace in the most simple parts of myself, and using my strengths as a tool to push me forward and refine me into a confident, secure human. 

We often get confused with the difference between strengths and talent, setting ourselves up for discouragement when we dream of being someone or doing things that are just simply not in the cards for us. Growing up I admired the flawless dance moves of Michael Jackson, the effortless vocals of Alicia Keys, or the powerhouse athleticism of Michael Jordan; all three radiating with natural talent within their craft. As spectators we look at the "greatest of the greats" and doubt our own abilities, not taken into account their personal journeys to get where they are, and how hard they worked to get to that one "moment" in their career. I would say these people are lucky to have found their strengths and honed in on them at an early age, spending hours upon hours exercising those creative muscles and perfecting their abilities. Most of us as a society want instant success instead of building on our personal strengths over time, yearning to be as good as someone else instead of becoming the best version of ourselves.

All of this to say, It would be ignorant of me to tell you to stop allowing pristine social media feeds, fit bodies, and the successes of others to intimidate and discourage you; if you're not secure with who you are, these things will always be toxic to your mental health. Instead, I would urge you to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses, question your intentions, and change your perspective. When you begin to appreciate all of the average parts of yourself, you can then move forward to excel in the extraordinary parts of yourself. Gaining genuine confidence and self-worth is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. We succeed not by some societal spectrum, but by the freedom of embracing our true selves, flaws and all.

you're so much more than what you think.

love you.

xoxo 

30.

My childhood mothered me.

My teen years misguided me.

My twenties mended me.

My thirties will...

Around this time each year I strive to do a bit of self-reflection in preparation for my upcoming birthday. This March I will hit the 3-0 milestone, and even though each and every birthday is worth celebrating, this year in-particular is notable to me. I have heard many people in my inner circles suggest that birthdays are "just another year" with nothing but a scoff and eye-roll to follow. I assume their feelings were meant more towards the festivities and expectations that naturally come with birthdays and not the overall significance of another year passed, but it's disheartening to hear nonetheless. Birthdays growing up were always met with a great deal of attention, so for as long as I can remember, my siblings and I were greatly acknowledged and highly celebrated on our special days. It wasn't about making it a spectacle as much as an intentional day spent partaking in whatever version of fun we aspired for at the time, whether that was our favorite homemade dessert, visit to the arcade, or sleepover with our closest friends. The memories made always exceeded the joy from any tangible item, and as I matured, the gratitude, appreciation, and humility that came with "another year" of age held tremendous weight. I gladly welcome a another number with open arms, like a new acquaintance I'm eager to intimately know, and I find incredible freedom in the things I cannot control. The natural progression of life can be equally beautiful as it is frightening, and the older I get the more unbalanced that scale becomes to favor the first. This year in-particular as 29 comes to a head, it's a sentimental farewell. 

I've tackled the importance of self-awareness in past posts and the dangers in degrading our own character by avoiding to understand it. Before we can take control of our emotions and behaviors, we need to embrace our pasts to understand the factors that made us who we are. I sat down recently with a new friend, and we tackled the topic of the human condition, and the factors in our lives that determine our actions and reactions to the countless things we face on a daily basis. We talked about everything from childhood, to family dynamics, to trauma, to personal struggle, and the significant way each and every one of those factors shapes our character for better or worse. I think back to 19 year old Courtney, and the complete stranger she is to me now. If only she could've comprehended her inner workings, her rampant insecurities, and overly-controlled state of misery. I wish she  could've understood the significance of age 8 when serious health issues introduced her to anxiety, age 11 when the bullying began, 13 when trauma demeaned and manipulated her to think she was now defined by it, age 16 when she believed the lie that her worth was found by the numbers on a scale,  age 18 when the false rumors were spread, and age 20 when she finally found the strength to book that first therapy session because she could no longer silence the voices in her head. It was there under the florescent lighting and tear soaked carpet I was introduced to a wild new concept: self-reflection.  Instead of dissecting who I had become and why, I had been white-knuckling a fantasy of who I wanted to be, with little to no effort to support it. In the nine years to follow there was a lot of life that occurred and a lot of hard-work to endure, and never was progress instant nor success sudden. It's easy to get caught up in the "why did I's" of our past, or "what if I's"of the future, but what about the "what will I's" of our present? For years (yes, years) I had to sort out my mental maneuvers moving forward, retraining my brain to respond on logic rather than react on emotion, which helped rid me of crippling anxiety, and the overwhelming urge for fight or flight. For a number of years I was paralyzed with fear when it came to storms, to the point that I would curl into fetal position and shake uncontrollably as if the house was caving in on me. I'm not entirely sure where the fear stemmed from initially, but it was brutal. This lasted throughout my adolescence up until the age of 15 to which I remember my brother and his friend goofing around on the back porch one evening while a roaring storm front rolled in. The wind was thrashing the trees as if they were about to snap, while thunder crashed in the distance, growing louder with each break. Meanwhile my brother stood on the deck laughing while he and his friend fought against the wind, trying not to fall to the ground. I remember thinking "My brother is insane!" as he smiled with eyes squinted and shirt aggressively flapping as the sky released a flash of fiery light "How could he be so stupid!". He came inside as the rain began to fall, sat next to me and said "The most power you can have is accepting something you can't control".  I just remember sitting there frozen thinking how obvious yet profound those words were in that moment, and it's something I've whispered to myself throughout the years in times of worry. I am now a mother of two girls, one of which is very anxious and experiences the same fears as I once did, including storms. Motherhood is very humbling in that way. It's as if a mirror is being held in front of you everyday showing you the best and worst of yourself, through your children, and giving you the power to change  the course of things that could steal or smother their joy. My children will undoubtedly experience hardships, possibly the very same ones as me, but I have not overcome to forget my suffering, I have overcome to be motivated by my suffering. 

Year 29 has been the year of boldness, the word I chose in a very vulnerable season of life. If you know me well, you'd know I find great comfort in my ability to be frustratingly passive. I wanted to be shaken, challenged, and pushed to do more. The day I turned 29, I had  an eye-opening experience and wrote about the interaction on my Instagram, but wanted to share it once again as a witness to the profound lesson it taught me. 
"While on my way home from a solo getaway in Nashville, my steering wheel suddenly locked up going 70 mph on the highway. Forced to make a quick decision I made an emergency exit and found the closest mechanic shop which happened to be 8 miles away. I arrived at the shop and found out that it'd be at least 4 hours before I could get back on the road. Meanwhile, an elderly man named Larry arrived at the shop to get a tire replaced. He overheard my predicament and introduced himself. He showed concern, seeing that I was a young woman in an unknown town and he could tell I was overwhelmed. After a bit of us talking, he told me he wouldn't leave until my car was fixed. He called his wife Ellen to come and take me to get a bite to eat since I had awhile to wait. She took me across the street to the "fanciest eatery in town", and Larry joined us there shortly after. We sat for about an hour chatting,  eating a delicious lunch,  and some homemade coconut creme cake because they discovered it was in fact my birthday. They insisted on paying for my meal then drove me back to the shop and waited with me several more hours before my car was ready. Offering to pay for the car's expense, and me politely declining, they both gave me the biggest hugs and wished me a safe travel home.  A situation that could've easily and purposefully ruined my day, was intentionally salvaged by two of the most sacrificial humans I've ever met. Their time, money, and comfort were of no concern because they were bold in their conviction to show love to a stranger in need." This experience directly motivated me to be bolder in my convictions, despite my fears or doubts and to follow through with where my heart is leading me, especially if it's scary. There have been many opportunities that have presented themselves the past year, that I likely wouldn't have taken had it not been for  the selfless example Larry and Ellen showed me on that day. I wanted to be a "Larry and Ellen", to as many people as I possibly could. Something changed in me forever that day.

So what will 30 bring? The year of PURPOSE. What is my purpose? Each new year instead of making a list of resolutions, I choose a word to challenge myself in an area I feel lead to improve. This year I'm leaving my doubts in the dust and embracing the gifts I've been given, by passionately  seeking a life full of purpose. My eagerness to pursue my purpose is built upon an unwavering confidence and set of skills I fought through the messiest parts of myself to learn. To the 8, 11, 13, 16, 18, 19 and all the "me's" in-between, I'll never forget ya, but I'm doing just fine without ya.

Gal Pal Society: The foundation of friendship

For those of you who have followed my blog, or have been so kind to read it, may have noticed that it's been awhile(seven months) since my last post, specifically when it comes to Gal Pal Society. I decided to take a break from the series, and I had begun to question the message I was attempting to convey after several potential "features" gave negative feedback to the blog and proceeded to doubt my intentions as well. To say the least, it was quite discouraging and forced me to re-evaluate what exactly I wanted GPS to be and how I wanted to present it to my readers. I intended on jumping right back into things today with a new female feature, just like before, and hope that it would be welcomed back with unbiased opinion. I had my feature lined up and ready to interview, but instead I changed course and felt as though I should re-launch the series by first tackling some issues I think are top priority.

When I sat down to begin this post over a week ago I tossed around the notion of "setting the foundation of friendship", and what is vital for any thriving relationship? Two things quickly came to mind: self-awareness, and vulnerability. It would be easy to assume that our strengths are what make us likable, and we strive to impress; in our friendships, through social media, and in everyday interactions. The problem isn't that we want to highlight our accomplishments, but that we want to disregard every other part of ourselves as weaknesses for fear of being misunderstood. In our minds a friendship should exist without conflict, be beneficial rather than a burden;so when we begin to feel vulnerable we choose distance, preventing those around us access to our true selves.
Why are we so desperate to ignore the very things responsible for making us who we are, and creating a pristine narrative to explain who we're not?

self-a·ware·ness

conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

How do we expect others to understand us, if we have never made a genuine effort to examine the most delicate parts of ourselves?  To be self-aware, we must first understand our personal strengths and weaknesses, our behavior, and ultimately the impact we have on others; self-awareness is the key to self-love, and furthermore being capable of accepting love and support from others. To lack self-awareness can be devastating to any budding relationship, and more importantly for personal growth, because ignoring your own thoughts and feelings, is the self-conscious decision to live your life for other people. 

As women we allow ourselves to live for others on a regular basis. We sell it as "selflessness" when in reality it's because we lack "self-awareness". This not only rings true in friendships, but in relationships, and careers as well. If  you lack self-awareness, you are incapable of understanding,  and managing your own emotions, leading to great anxiety and stress. In order for us to open our hearts to others, we have to commit time to discovering what it is that makes us tick, and why. If we do so, we are far more capable of establishing deep-rooted, and thriving connections, with healthy expectations of others.

vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty

the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

Vulnerability is greatly avoided by most of us because it means we have to open ourselves to the possibility of  criticism, and/or judgement. We rather present ourselves with emotional stability, free from pain, or discomfort, and adversely denouncing the very things that make us relatable. The deliberate withholding of  your own vulnerability is denying those seeking you to connect with any amount of depth, and ultimately degrading the purpose of friendship as it was intended.
Women have the talent for great deflection and admittedly I have fallen guilty of this far too many times. We may be going through a difficult season in life, or just simply having a bad day and instead of confiding in those that care deeply for us, we deny our moment of weakness and say things like "it's no big deal", "there are greater problems in the world", "I'm just being a baby". We're diminishing our struggle when we should be embracing it. Our weakest moments are the very ones that strengthen our ability to relate to others.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

The greatest gift we can give others is our vulnerability, the purest form of ourselves. In a community of  Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, and Wives we are guilty of overcompensation and degradation of our characters and fearful of our imperfections. There needs to be a genuine effort beginning with ourselves to abolish the lie, that our worth is only measured by our success, and that we have no value in our weakness. We must be present in one another's lives, show interest and support for those around us, encourage self-awareness and vulnerability, and embrace every facet of those individuals we call friends. Hypocrisy holds no position in a friendship, and we should not tolerate our nature to diminish someone's bravery in being human.

I challenge you to explore these two topics this week. If you're struggling to deepen a friendship or searching for a new one, be the first to practice vulnerability, and share something profound with them. Be honest, be open, and be humble. Above all practice love and kindness! As always I hope this blog encourages and uplifts you in some way, and I thank you so much for taking the time to read.

Love you all.
Courtney

Gal Pal Society: Be your own Valentine

It's been awhile since I did a "Gal Pal" post and I figured with today being Valentine's Day I wanted to do something special. I had an idea a few weeks back to create a post centered on female self-love and use it to encourage other gals out there to re-direct possible loneliness or disappointment on Valentine's Day and proclaim all of the things there are to love about ourselves! I had no idea who or how many ladies would be willing to be involved in my little idea, but I was entirely thankful for the beautiful women and young ladies below that entertained my vision and volunteered their time! I asked everyone to tell me three things they love about themselves and their idea of the perfect Valentine gift.
Whether you're married, single, or away from your spouse on this day, I want you to take time to evaluate all the beautiful things that make you, YOU! We MUST love ourselves before we can allow others to love us, and I hope this post inspires you to do just that!
Thank you again to every Gal Pal that was involved. I hope to continue this series for years ahead because it has inspired and encouraged me greatly. I hope to continue dedicating my life to creating uplifting female friendships, and helping women of all ages to embrace God's design and purpose over their lives.
I hope you enjoy reading, and have a love filled Valentine's Day!

Beth: 29

Stay at home Mama

"I'm loyal to my friends, I'm pretty okay in the baking department, I love my hair and I love trying new things! A movie date with my husband would be the perfect gift!"

Casilyn: 26

Independent MaryKay Beauty Consultant

" I love my hair. I like it long, and voluminous! My confidence. The older I get, the more confident I seem to be. The fact I have the gift of discernment, God gave that to me and it's been one of the most precious gifts.I want to receive a gift from the heart. Those intangible moments of healing of the heart, relationships, or spirit are the most precious gift."

Bailey: 18

Barista

"I love my sense of humor, the way I look in a dress, and my make-up skills. A movie night with pizza and milkshakes would be perfect."

Tyler: 30

Branch Manager/ Yoga Instructor

"I love being a mother to my baby boy Cohen and feel so lucky that God gave me him. The fact that I'm organized, goal oriented and very driven. Lastly, my name and the uniqueness behind it! If I could just receive love from my two boys: Cohen & Donny"

Jasmine: 23

Barista

"My personality, my smile and my laziness! I would love to receive an engagement ring or a necklace with my son's birthdate in roman numerals."

Vicki: 22

Front counter/ Back-up piercer at Hybrid Image

" I love my hair, my baking skills, and my goofy sense of humor. On Valentine's Day a dinner date to BD Mongolian Grill with my amazing hubby would be perfect!"

Brittany: 31

Preschool Teacher

"My ability to connect with children, my passion for nature/God's creation and my compassion towards others. I'd want to receive exactly what I'm already receiving: time with my husband and nature (he planned a trip to Yellow Springs)."

Rachel: 31

Stay at home Mom/photographer/former librarian

"My sarcasm, being proud to say I'm a good mom(been worried about that my whole life),and as my boyfriend says the fact that I'm "brutally honest". Perfect gift: hugs and kisses from my daughter Olivia!"

Gemma: 4
"I love being silly. I'm cute, and a good dancer! I would want something new, like a lego blind bag and a vanilla bean frappachino." (I had to google what a "lego blind bag" was, apparently I'm not caught up on childhood fads...)

Natalie: 32

Photographer"I like that God has given me the gift of creativity. I enjoy that I see things and immediately think I could make that! Challenge accepted. I'm a decent cook and baker. I'm blessed to be able to make good meals for my family. My kids are pretty great. It might not seem like something I like about me but I think your kids are often a pretty accurate reflection of yourself. Gifts really aren't my love language but chocolate is always good!"

Taylin: 12

Student

" I can be myself around anyone, I'm beautiful on the inside and out, and I stand up for what is right. My perfect gift would be chocolate!"

Lucy: 6

"My favorite thing is that I'm ME, and that I can jump off of things!"

Kayla: 26

Newborn Intensive Care, Registered Nurse

" I love my height (I used to be very self conscious about it). I've always had a deep desire to help people. I also like my handwriting. My perfect gift would be a tie between dark chocolate or pasta...or macaroons...or food in general."

Steph: 25

Graphic Designer Extraordinaire

"My ability to draw letters, I can connect with pretty much any child and my empathy towards others. The perfect gift would be hiking in the woods with a few people. Spending quality time with each other exploring God's creation and having conversations about Jesus."

Makayla: 12

Student

" I like that I don't care what anybody thinks or says about me. I like how I play basketball even though people say it's more for the boys. I also like that I'm an outgoing and fun person. I would like to receive a note from a friend or family member for Valentine's Day!"

Courtney: 27

Stay at home Mama, avid coffee drinker

"First and foremost I love what I have that society would deem  physical flaws like my big nose, thick eyebrows and gap in my teeth especially. I like my trusting nature. Although I've been burned more times than I can count I'm thankful God has instilled a forgiving spirit in me. I probably give people too many chances, but I strongly believe in people's ability to change. Lastly, I like my passion for writing, which I believe is truly God-given. I'm very much a loner and writing has given me a platform to connect with people I never imagined. My perfect V-day gift would definitely be a bubble bath, followed by watching 500 Days of Summer, and eating a pint of ice cream in bed, which I vow to fulfill tonight!"

Gal Pal Society:Carissa

Throughout life, we meet individuals who capture our hearts without hesitation, and present a sense of  intrigue and wonder among meeting them. I met Carissa through a mutual friend just a few short months ago, where we attended a local hockey game. It was quite frankly the easiest interaction I've ever had with a female, and thus a refreshing night spent laughing among the rowdy crowd. Her transparency regarding the good and bad of her life inspired me greatly, and her sincere heart towards others is what make Carissa the beautiful being that she is.
There aren't many people in the world that would be as genuine and forthcoming about trials in their lives that others might mock or persecute you for in an instant, but Carissa is as translucent and bold as they come. Not to mention, the girl is HILARIOUS, and I envy her comedic timing, and capabilities of her abundant wit and charm.
We spent the afternoon in her old and ongoing favorite Cincinnati neighborhood of Northside chatting about life, tattoos, photography,music, guilty pleasures, and everything in between. Although our friendship is as fresh as they come, anyone lucky enough to have met Carissa in their lifetime will understand why I was so eager to feature her. 

"I'm not a big coffee drinker, but if I see something that sounds interesting enough on the menu, I'll just go with it"

" I ordered these shoes and a bunch of chokers on Amazon. I was specifically searching for jelly shoes and stumbled upon these beauties".

"People ask me if I'm a big fan of Disney because of my tattooes. I say I'm more of a fan of the villans".

                                                                             

 What is your current occupation, and what do you enjoy most about it?

I am a "system prop stylist", which means I prep products to be photographed for commercial houseware catalogs. I am technically freelance, but am currently doing a lot with the company, Frontgate. It’s a very fast paced environment that keeps me on my toes, and although I tend to get injured and asked to do odd jobs like steam fresh oysters, or stand in a fancy pool fully clothed I do greatly enjoy it and the team I work alongside.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve done or seen on the job?

 One time we shot in the Black Dahlia house which was lived in by the actual black dahlia serial killer.  It was interesting yet eerie knowing that we were walking the same halls and standing on the same lawn where his victims had suffered, died and were eventually buried. No one currently lives in the home but it is believed there are still the bodies of victims within the walls and buried in the yard, which was somewhat unsettling.

 If you could photograph anyone who would it be?

Probably anyone that’s heavily tattooed or practices some sort of body modification. Really anyone that is unique and physically different. I have many celebrities in mind I’d more so rather meet and fan girl over than take their photo but overall those that interest me most are individuals that scream weird.

 Any new years resolutions/goals?

I hate that I believe in new years resolutions, but yes I really would like to get back into photographing people. I have a lot of portrait ideas, and  am craving more personally driven creativity in my life these days.

What made you decide to start a blog about your struggles with mental health? Do you feel it has helped in your recovery?

I’ve always enjoyed writing, and it has always been very therapeutic for me. I began blogging this past summer so it’s new, but I really enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper, and using my personal story as a tool to help others. I was diagnosed with "bipolar disorder" and "borderline personality disorder" at age 16 to which lead me to therapy shortly after. My therapist thought I had made enough progress in my treatment so he said I no longer needed his help months later. I definitely believed I was on the right track, but soon my violent outbursts came flooding back and I was not equipped to handle them on my own, so I checked myself into a facility last year and stayed there for eight days. When I was released I spent the next several months searching for a new therapist and getting my medications sorted out. I was lucky to have found a therapist I really trust, and finally have medications, and coping skills for my once violent outbursts towards others, that I'm now able to manage in a healthy way. I hope that those that take the time to read through my blog can be educated in some way about mental health, especially because we live in a world where "mental illness" is labeled so harshly and most see as a very scary thing, but it's not if you show empathy towards those whom might be struggling.
Carissa has a personal blog, where she shares more of her story and struggles in depth. It's definitely worth the read! (Link is directly below)
A Silence So Loud

Describe yourself in three words?

Creative, Weird, Adventurous.

 Your three favorite attributes?

I’m trying to be more giving of my time, or resources. I hate seeing people I care about struggling, so I've offered to pay vet bills or write school papers, even if I don't necessarily have the means to do so. I'd like to focus more of my energy on giving any way I can.

I’m very spontaneous and open to trying new things. I once got a pineapple tattoo on a total whim which was one of the milder things I've done. At 16, I jumped into my parent's car, barefoot, at midnight, and attempted to run away with the ocean in mind. A cop ended up stopping me and I was taken in the backseat. It was a mixture of boyfriend issues, and irrational tendencies that come with borderline personality. Fun!

I’m also quite entertaining. I believe a lot of my goofiness stems from wanting others to be happier than what I've been throughout my life. Robin Williams once stated (regarding his depression):
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
I think this idea is most definitely true, and I relate strongly to it.

 Something you did/accomplished this past year you’re most proud of?

For sure making all the progress I’ve had with my therapy. I'm NOW on the right path and am proud of where I'm headed.

 What are girls doing wrong in regards to sisterly friendships?

Too much comparison with jobs, family dynamics, weight, self-image. Not really recognizing that everyone has different pasts, and their own life timing is different. Societal pressure seems to have ladies turning against one another with comparison even in the healthiest friendships.I’m guilty of doing the same in my own life, which takes away from the capability of recognizing others successes and celebrating that.

If you chose a female who was on some level of "heroin" status in your eyes whom would you choose and why?
It's an offbeat choice, but Tina Fey.I appreciate her sass, wit and sense of humor. If I could unrealistically meld Amy Poehler and Tina Fey into one being that would be my ultimate, but regardless Tina Fey is my jam.

What is the most profound advice you were given by a female, and whom was it from?

Basically any advice from my sister is great advice: stay true to yourself, try to be empathetic and compassionate to others, but stand up for yourself if someone is trying to take advantage of that.

Carissa,
I'm not only thankful for you, your honesty, and your beautiful presence, but you have truly inspired me among this process of featuring you. You have taught me so much in the short time we've known each other, and I can see why you are beloved by so many. Seriously, never stop being you, and never get rid of the pink hair!

Eliminating bitterness in your marriage.

 Bitterness is toxic.

 It can poison our minds into believing that forgiveness is an impossible feat, and waver our hearts desire to love our spouse unconditionally. Whether it stems from weeks, months or years before, it's not easily shaken nor corrected.
 This world is full of  grudges, and chips on soldiers, reacting with a defensive head instead of a compassionate heart. Even as Christians we too often hold resentment towards others, deliberately ignoring the simple truth that God forgives us on a daily basis without question.
Throughout Chris and I's five years of marriage, we have fed into the enemies lies of selfishness, resentment, bitterness, and denial over and over and over again. I have been the emotionally broken, short tempered, overly defensive, hurt driven wife, and he's been the non-apologetic, argument seeking, verbally abrasive husband, all stemming from those very lies.
 You've heard it said before "Hurt people, hurt people" and boy is that profoundly true. So what is it about bitterness and pain that is SO blinding? Is it because we live in fear of the idea of someone hurting us, or that pride really does hold immense power? I've heard my pastor say many times that we know pride is blinding because even the devil thinks that evil will prevail when it's all said and done. He still somehow believes he has the chance to win against God. Imagine that. We succumb to the same fallacy in our personal lives and furthermore, our marriages. We are driven by the notion of "I'll get you before you get me", and we build up a wall of  unrealistic emotional needs and standards that gives our spouse no other option but to fail. Our spouse is supposed to be our partner, yet we spend far too much time keeping score. Perhaps this is why the current divorce rate in the United States is 50 percent, which we could factor into a very long list of possibilities, but if we cannot recognize the most abundant possibility being the lack of God centered marriages, we are simply mocking the very sanctity of marriage itself.

 

Forgiveness vs. Forgetfulness.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that forgiveness and forgetfulness go hand in hand.
 God commands us to forgive. Not forget.
  Matthew 6:15 says, "If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
 If we fear God's judgement, then forgiving should be the easy part, but forgetting can be a much larger task and takes time,patience, and effort from both you and your spouse. This is where we tend to struggle the most in our bitterness.
Personally, I tend to be a very emotionally guarded individual, loving hard but always from a distance; this has rang especially true throughout Chris and I's relationship. Early on there were  situations that caused heartache, and allowed bitterness to override forgiveness, because what I was receiving from my husband is not what I believed I deserved as his wife. Even when I would proclaim forgiveness, I struggled to remain emotionally vulnerable towards Chris, which I thought was for my own best interest, but in reality was hindering any growth in our covenant.  The constant question of "Why would he do this to me if he loved me?" became overwhelming and my desperation to guard my heart from further pain left me emotionally numb and withdrawn. Instead of focusing on the apology, I would regress back to the memory, re-living the pain, like ripping off a scab, and in turn I became a hypocrite in my forgiveness.
Sadly, I was overlooking a very important factor in the process. I was living in the past instead of having faith in the future. I was confusing forgiveness for forgetfulness, because I was afraid that if I moved beyond the hurt Chris wouldn't feel the need to rebuild trust.

Forgiveness is instant. Trust takes time.
In Rick Warren;s book, "The Purpose Driven Life" he says:

Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior. Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you.

Trust has been my biggest downfall in marriage.
Trusting someone requires the wall you've worked so hard to build, to fall; leaving you exposed and vulnerable. From someone who likes to be in control, this is quite terrifying! Although my intentions to trust in Chris were genuine, the fear of disappointment was a burden too heavy to bare. 

But trust is built on faith. Faith in what is unforeseen, not in our own understanding.

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.

If bitterness is based in pride, and pride is based in sin, and sin can only be forgiven by God, why do we continue to rely on ourselves to overcome it? We're not doing ourselves any favors by  guarding our hearts, instead of opening them up for God's blessings. Having faith does not mean we will not have suffering, but we will have peace in knowing we don't have to find a solution on our own. God does that for us. Faith does not make you a victim, or minimize your hurt, It takes far more strength to have faith in what you cannot see, than dwell on what you can.

Agape.
Unconditional love that is always giving and impossible to take or be a taker.It devotes total commitment to seek your highest best no matter how anyone may respond. This form of love is totally selfless and does not change whether the love given is returned or not.
Do you love your spouse or Agape love your spouse?
If you're confused by the differential values of the two then you may be loving your spouse out of expectation instead of with purpose. In a society where "love" is plastered on anything and everything, completely disposable, it's no wonder many have lost sight of how to love properly in their marriages. Do you love your husband/wife like you love pizza, or do you love like God loves you?
To overcome bitterness, we must love like God. There's no other way.
I fail at this daily.
If we put sacrificial love at the forefront of our relationships, we will trump all possible resistance, including bitterness.

1 Corinthians 13:4-84. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
Was this scripture part of your wedding day? It was ours. It is for many, and for good reason. Imagine if you sat down with your spouse and made a habit of reading it on a regular basis. We need to remind ourselves often of what God designed the covenant to be, and if we do so we will undoubtedly experience thriving and flourishing marriages.

 

Ways to combat bitterness:- Pray with and for your spouse

-Reset and manage expectations for one another
-Set guidelines to feel more secure in your relationship
-Eliminate "you never", and "you always" from your vocabulary
- Drop ultimatums.
-Seek Godly couple's counsel
-Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance.
-Voice your hurt.
-Refrain from "venting" to loved ones about your spouse
-Fast, and talk to God
-Hold hands, hug, kiss, make love.(It may be the last thing you want to do, but physical connection should not be abandoned)
-Replace tv time with conversation


I hope if you are one that is struggling with hurt or bitterness in your marriage, you find comfort in the truth that you can and will overcome whatever trial you and your spouse are facing. Marriage is tough, but God is bigger, and I'm thankful for that beautiful truth. As draining as this post was to write, I'm thankful for EVERY bit of my testimony no matter how painful. I'm blessed to have a husband who continues to fight alongside me for a healthy and abundant marriage, and I will NEVER allow the enemy to destroy the promises I made before my groom nor my God.

Gal Pal Society: Vicki

I'm thrilled to be jumping back into the "Gal Pal" series after a bit of a break, and have some amazing women lined up to feature in the next coming weeks. I gained so much inspiration over the past month regarding ladies encouraging one another which has driven me to focus an even greater amount on the topic and task of strengthening the community of ladies in my own personal life and furthermore.

Vicki:22

Who better to bring back the series than one of the kindest individuals I've been lucky enough to cross paths with in life. I met Vicki years ago through our church family when our first born daughters were teeny tiny. Her daughter Lily is her "mini" through and through; she's goofy and hysterically sassy, just like her Mama. Vicki is currently 23 weeks pregnant with her and her husband Josh's baby boy, Abraham. If I could guess, I'd say the little man to come is going to be one handsome boy and hopefully just as goofy as his big sister. Vicki is a stay at home mother while also practicing her passion of piercing part-time on the side.
Vicki has rocked more hair colors than I can count, and quite honestly remember, but looks just as beautiful in each and every one. Her care-free personality, and hilariously sarcastic demeanor is probably the first thing that made me certain she and I would be friends. Vicki can hang with the gals but give the fellas a run for their money; she may be sweet, but she isn't afraid to stand up to anyone which has certainly carried over to her daughter Lily's personality.
Whether you've known Vicki for years or minutes, she's the most genuine person who has the natural ability to make you feel welcome and loved. I hung out with the Geraci gals yesterday and couldn't refrain from overstaying my welcome to chat about toddlers, marriage and overall life because Vicki is just too darn good at listening and being an encouraging voice. I'm overjoyed for all the blessings that have been given to Vicki and her beautifully growing family because she deserves each one and so much more!

I laughed the entire time I was around these two. Lily is the biggest goof and she knows it!

Their connection is undeniable. Lily and Abraham are some very lucky kiddos with how much they're loved by their Mommy and Daddy.

Seriously so pretty! I can't wait for baby boy to get here!

Lily was such a ham in front of the camera, and made taking photos effortless.

1. What is it about the piercing industry that attracts you? When did you know you wanted to make a career out of it? Did you explore any other opportunities before piercing?
I’ve always been interested in art centered outlets but I felt I was lacking in actual artistic abilities(haha) so the piercing industry allowed me to channel that desire into something more structured . I had friends that pierced which was inspiring so when my favorite shop to purchase jewelry from was hiring it was a spur of the moment thing to apply and try it out for myself.

2. What is it like being a female in a male dominated industry.?
I was nervous about it at first but both shops I’ve worked at are mostly female dominated, and thankfully males have never been an issue for me. There are definitely times they’ve given me crap but I’m not the type to not speak up for myself, so they learn to not give me a hard time pretty quickly.

3.What’s your biggest horror story from piercing?
I had someone call in and ask if his girlfriend could bring him in on a leash to get pierced. Shocked, I asked him to please not seeing that we were located across the mall from a child's jewelry shop in the mall and didn’t feel it was an appropriate thing to do.  Luckily, he never actually came in to get pierced, but it was certainly the most interesting call I received working there. My co-workers teased that I attracted the weirdest clients.

4. If you didn't pierce what do you think you’d do?
I think my God-given gift has been to work with children so if I sought out a new career direction, I’d work at a daycare or something where child care is the focus.

5. You're a lady of many colors...hair colors that is. At what age, did you begin dying your hair, and is there any color you wouldn’t try?
I was 12 when I first dyed my hair. I decided on black and blue so my mom who was open and super chill about most things took me to Paul Mitchells to get it dyed professionally. Throughout the years I dyed my hair myself, and then the older I got I began to go to salons. I don’t think there is a color I’d never try. The only color I’m not super fond of on myself is brown, and that’s my natural hair color.

6. What does your daughter Lily think of your ever-changing look?
When she was smaller she was always pretty confused whenever I'd debut a new look. She’s already shown interest with dying her hair but I’d definitely like to hold off until she’s mature enough to make a sophisticated decision about it.

7. What’s your favorite thing about being a mom?
Just watching Lily’s personality develop and see this little person discover their own self. She’s the goofiest kid and it’s so surreal to see my "baby" grow a little human.

8.Christmas is quickly approaching. Do you and your family have any holiday traditions? Any new traditions you’d like to start?
Homemade Christmas cookies were something my mom was very big on growing up, so Lily has already been introduced to baking a lot for Christmas. My mom’s family is Italian so being in the kitchen is a big part of our family dynamic and we certainly never went hungry as kids. Food is a high priority to Italians. You cook with your heart and soul. I’m excited that Lily already has a love for cooking and being present in the kitchen.

9. If someone wants to buy the most perfect gift for you, what would that be?
Sephora gift cards for sure. I’ve recently gotten really into makeup. Now that I’m stay at home I’ve been able to spend more time exploring the art of cosmetics and experiment. “Give me glow” cosmetics is one I’ve discovered that’s easily one of my favorites.

10. What is something people would be surprised to know about you? Any guilty pleasures?
That I’m super emotional and it doesn’t take much for me to cry. I used to tell clients I’d pierce that I try to look tough so people won’t pick on me. I have an older sister who moved out when I was young so technically I grew up the only child in the house, and my dad spoiled me a lot. Obviously, being pregnant doesn’t help my emotions these days, and the littlest things will send me to tears.
Reality television is my biggest guilty pleasure, and it’s quite embarrassing that I own every single season of “Jersey Shore” .

11.Your three greatest accomplishments?
Trying my best to always obey God even when I don't want to. Being a mom, and being a wife.
Three greatest attributes?

My love for being a mom and nurturing to all babies. Something I truly feel God has called me to is to love on children and talk to them about Jesus even if they don’t know a single word I’m saying.
The way I view my body in a positive way. Ten years ago looking in the mirror made me feel disgusted. Now I try to look at how God views me. Josh has also helped me so much with this kind and genuine compliments, even when my belly starts to take over.
ALL of the sass! I feel it helps me break down walls and helps in conversation. It also reminds me of my mom who is one of my favorite people.

Three words to describe you?
Sassy, Goofy, and Thourough.

Vicki,
Thank you for being you because you're amazing. I'm blessed to have you as a friend, supporter, and inspiration! Love you girl!